Sunday, November 29, 2009

Kaleidoscope Effect.

I have a reoccurring experience--I watch the world through a one-sided window. I watch the Other Side. I sit in a small room--everything is dark and out of focus. Vivid and focused are the things I see beyond the window--out of my little box. I watch things move. There are people--I think they're people. They speak words and sometimes I understand these sounds. These people--I can watch them for days and days. Each movement is painted in expression and emotion and thought. I wonder if I look like them. If I live like them. If they can see me behind my window. I can make the scene in front of my window change too. I can create anything I want and put it out into the Other Side. I can make my private world come to life on the Other Side--things they can only see in their dreams. I wonder what Reality means. It's a word I don't fully

understand-it's so limiting. So contained and forced and false. I've come to realize there are two of what is defined as "me"--two of "me". One is here, right now, in this broken-focused, dim tunnel, dim box. Sometimes I close my eyes and then I am in the Other Side. I become movement, and emotion, and thought. I become unaware. I become people. In which state am I free? In which state am I a prisoner of my own nature? Sometimes I meet others when i'm in the Other Side--other's who, like me, have a dimly lit, out of focus box. A window. A blurred sense of the ridiculous meaning of Reality.


I see in montages. A gritty stack of fast flipping scenes that run through my head like an old film strip. I covet that pale light that reveals the face each passing moment--en

abling sight. Look steady out at the Other Side and watch that same light kiss the surface of every thing. Sight--proof of Reality #1. Then, if I were to continue on with proofs--sound, smell, touch, emotions…but even still--all unverifiable. I decide. You decide for you. Which is it. The Other Side--the moment, the movement: the chaos un-separate from our immediate sense of Reality. Maybe it will be the the little box--removed and observant, and still: Reality always questionable. In either state of self, the mind is never truly free of our own doubts, judgments, observations, emotions.


I'm in an old barn.

The structure, neglected, is slowly settling itself back into the earth--decaying naturally, despite it's manmade birth. The walls and beams and glass windows are blanketed in golden, dusty earth. The light breaks through, softly, and leaves warm lacings where thick shadows cannot stifle it. Instead, the darkness feeds off the shadowed corners,

impatiently awaiting the sun to retire. I stand in the midst of all this--choosing the sun's lacings to the heavy embrace of the shadows. Out the windows--the flicker of a filmstrip being projected--the sky becomes the screen and a slideshow begins. The pictures, also covered in golden dust, flash continuously. I watch. There's a drum beat at every flicker--it's deep and round and sounds like the breath of Earth. The dust begins to settle on my skin--it's cool and salty, but warms with the nimble work of the light. The film moves faster across the windows--the images expand across to the walls now. Faster--and the pictures, translucent, dance across ever surface, overlapping and now moving, spinning around me, moving to the floor, to the celling. The barn begins to become translucent with them--fading into what is now a dusk-set sky. The ground, slowly evaporates--the colors of the earth blurring up like paint strokes, fading into the ever darkening sky. Around me, I notice the dust has weaved an intricate, thin veil which is draped over an invisible sphere around me. The images, more like short film clips--now just a steady stream of overlapping motion--of faces and places new and old, recognizable and not. The ground is gone, all for the small patch supporting my body. It is now a deep, dark blue and everything set against this sky is iridescent--silver and wispy, including the images. The drum beat becomes a brilliant, crystal chime--elegant and not sharp. The dust veil is becoming thicker. It's rapidly enclosing me--obscuring my view of the images and of the silver wisps and of the deep blue expanse. The veil has completely enclosed me and I realize I am suspend in a silver nothingness. It's bright. I am nothing but a bright light--my hands, my feet, my entire existence: nothing but a bright, silver light. Pardon my abrupt ending--but I think I'll remain in this silver webbed space for awhile. Have a pleasant day.


  1. That is deep. I guess we all have our moments where we sit in a world of doubt, awaiting something miraculous, or just watching. I always like to see things as they are, but through the eyes of another, what someone's first impression would be. It's a vicious cycle, I guess, of how we see the world and how it sees us. But in the end it's how we choose the choices laid out for us that matters. =)

  2. I'm still amazed to find that others share the same issues of doubt that I have. It's nice to find that others can see life beyond one's self. Most people can't see past their own little existence. Knowing that a person can realize even the smallest act can greatly effect someone else's life, it still gives me hope.

  3. Maybe we should help each other in whatever way we can possible. I mean, everyone needs to be reassured in one way or another. We all need that bit of support, no matter what we are, what we do or how content we are. We're human, and I guess this is the only way that can tell us that we are. So we'd need to lean on someone, just like we hope that people lean on us for comfort and strength.

  4. Whoa. Talk about Zen. What to make of "this" is a good question man. Our earthly existence with all its familiarity and limitations, we take it how it is. Might make you wonder what aspect of our existence is muffled, our empirical nature or our capacity for truly great intuition. It doesn't help that most of us are walking the great expanse cocooned in dimly lit boxes so to speak. What to make of it man....

    It's cool, how you say the only thing that stays constant in all this is doubt, along with those many arousing intangibles we all posses, along with rationality, all those very things that so aid us in this existence. Amen, rationality is doubt. At least I feel they're one and the same. Likewise, emotions, occurences, perceptions; they're all one if not for rationality. Fear, love, danger, us--what of it right? Exactly. Well... honestly, I'm the type to reason it all, rationalize it all into forces of the particular, each somehow distinct from me; it's too much. I cling to everything and so I'm torn apart.

    And here we are, rational "dust magnets," if I may so screw up the sublime way you put it. What will have the dust storm settle? Tis crazy man, it probably already is--you are the light Analeigh. Live it, you will not magnetize even the residue of the manmade if that is what you so wish. As for myself, I seek solace in a manmade sandstorm.

    Huh. Now that's ironic. My solace and my sandstorm is that cocoon of mine, that dim box. I might just officially be convinced I'm taking the wrong approach. Holy crap, I'm a drowning hermit crab, a turtle with head sheathed. If that aint some freaky imagery for the average Joe... I gotta hit the sheets.

  5. Totally had a flashback of Plato reading this!! Ever heard of Allegory of the Cave? He wrote it. Total flashback, lol! Love that this reads like one giant train of thought. That's what blogs were meant for IMO. Love every blog you write, so please, blog frequently! You rock!

    Iris (Holland)

  6. you are amazing.

    love always,

  7. Hi Analeigh,

    I started to like you when you were on ANTM. You just have no idea how thrilled I was when I found your blog here. Look forward to seeing you doing modelling in Hong Kong, if there's a chance :)

    OK from Hong Kong

  8. Hi Analeigh =)

    I really loved the way you write. You have got so many tallent!!! I like very much the way you describes all the little details around you.

    I hope you never stop writing because your words really touched me.


  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

  10. ^Ah...more portuguese mates!

    Issues of doubt...always good to have in my opinion...makes you feel alive.
    The first big white letters remind me of the song that you posted here "Her Morning Elegance" by Oren Lavie; reminds me the woman of the song "fighting" for her life, doing her every day life, maybe being an wonderful person, maybe doing good deeds but...nobody knows...

    Looking forward to read more from you :)

  11. ok, i`ve noticed you don't update here anymore.. anyway, in case you decide to came back, i hope you read this and put a smile on your face (your bambi smile) to know that here, in Brazil, we love you. The image of ANTM still remains a bit but we support you a lot! You're great and seems to have an honest heart! Im a 19 years old brazilian girl, and, in name of my friends here, we admire you, hope you get everything you want! Any help you need here, to advertising, etc, contact
    Keep up the good work!!