Monday, September 20, 2010

"I Want The One Grey One With The Silver Saddle And Mint Green Mane"

It's deafening. Would you shut up for a moment. Your thoughts, your silence--deafening. I can't hear myself think. The whole world on a carousel.

The carousel. Man's childish and fantastical manifestation of war, tremendously decadent in appearance and elegantly complex in detail. The
carousel is Reality's magic trick; a spinning, musical mockery of man's inhumanity. Beautiful, and relatively blood-free--disguising imperfection with gold-leafed paint and muscled stallions--perfectly tamed to ride in peaceful and consistent motion.

The whole world on a carousel, and me, at the fair too. I went to the fair. Went to the fair; was silent. Silent because I could not hear myself think and could not form my thoughts. I could not hear myself think because They would not shut up. They're thoughts, They're silence--deafening. Mute conversation, no, screams--bouncing into the universe like . Words, precious words, falling out of Their mouths like tiny, rubber
bouncing balls. Bouncing off the ground, off the walls, into the atmosphere, clouding the sky in primary colors; bright, rubber words bouncing everywhere.
Loudly. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Rapid. Vulgar.

I look to the carousel. It spins and there is a shield. No bouncing, rubber ball thoughts. An accordion. And silence. And the sound of motion, slowing. The unwinding of time, weighted in tradition and fantasy and fiction. Realities fictional experience. Spinning, and the people on the carousel are trapped in this bubble--this fake, protected illusion. Spin, spin, on. Never stop, fear of losing. Keep with the clock, keep with the illusion--fight time with beauty and chase away yellowed memory with blurring reality. Drown the sounds of pounding words, Thump. Thud. Thump. Drowned Them out with haunting notes and perfectly circled melodies. Trance like motion, subtle and consistent. Spin and sway away. The whole world, a carousel.

The world, it spins...and the bounce of the words, the bounce of Their words, a perfectly circled melody. Loud and robust--tiny but tuned. Humming and buzzing in constant harmony. Repetitive motion. Slow the day, new the morning, slow the night. Repeat.

And the crowd is so loud I cannot hear my own thoughts. I look to Them. I cannot say what I mean. Rubber balls, bounce, Thud, from my lips and, Thump, to the ground. My smile, a temporary container. "I cannot explain what I mean. It will come to me." It doesn't. Because my mind is on the carousel.

And the rest of the day, my mind is on that carousel. And what does that look like? What thoughts are with me mind looks like this:

Dance with me, in step with the Universe. Look how lovely, look at the people--how beautiful and alive. Look at the people, alone in Their spheres, missing each other, bouncing their words like a child's game. Ah! What is the reality in which people See each other. In which living is living together and words do not bounce off every showing surface but saturate into every piece of matter--satiating all things of Existance with meaning and connection and texturized understanding. Look at me and understand so I can believe this. Look at me look at the carousel.

No?--how about I smile instead.


  1. and I'll be smiling back.

    As for my words, I beg that they do not bounce in the ever so violent way that they do. I can only hope that shall melt and flow in harmony to the minds of others as yours indefinitely has to mine. Thank you Analeigh.

    love from Toronto.

  2. ok! so i dont know how to start!...
    well here goes.
    analeigh i think your work is ..inspirational! i am an average 9 grade girl but i write and your style of writing is somewhat like mine! it is quite unique but as a special fan request..can you like read my blog and if you like it please do follow it i will pratically die if you do...yeah yeah i know what you think. i may have watched cycle 11 but its your work that say so much. i feel like im looking in a mirror but a 100 better version.=)
    love fatima (13 yrs old)

  3. Analeigh- I'm sure you get how readers have come to be your readers only because of ANTM, but I would just like to say that your stuff is so incredibly inspirational. Your words paint pictures in my head, and they are oh so lovely. As a visual artist, I would just like to say, "Excellent work". Keep writing, I love waking up to entries like this.

  4. So glad I found your blog, even happier to read your posts because they're very good. You're my fave ANTM contestant --I'm sure you hear that a lot :)
    Please don't stop writing, your blog is really awesome, the way you write is excellent.

    Do you have a twitter account? I'll gladly follow you.
    Oh, I'm from Indonesia by the way. :)

  5. huh.....
    yo analeigh!
    i am feeling really sad because i really need some help.i really hope you follow my blog soon cause i think i might use an extra follower..truthfully everyone owning a blog has more followers than me.may i ask you something and hope that u answer? should i give up on blogging if it doesnt have readers??

  6. I admit, I'm guilty, I found this after watching a rerun of ANTM just now. Needless to say, you were one of my favourite contestants, but that's not the point.
    I really love the way you write. You can convey a certain beauty amidst all the confusion of life. It's metaphorical and it's very pretty. It leaves me with a sense of wonder which I can't really describe.

    And @Fatima (I know this isn't the right place to post this, but I can't seem to comment on your blog): Do not ever give up on your blog. Your style of writing is very impressive, especially for your age. Blog because you love it, not because you want others to follow you. Keep on writing, and some day in the near future, you'll look back and smile over the thoughts of your young self. That's certainly why I keep a blog. It's just a great place to release everything stoppered inside of you. :)

  7. "The Carousel World"...Wanna save it for a book title Analeigh? You should! :P

    @ Fatima: As Amanda said...don´t quit blogging. I didn´t read it yet (it´s quite late here...bed is calling) but I´ll do it. And doesn´t matter if I like it or not...if others like it or not. Look to it as your diary but at the same time is not that hidden thing in your room nobody will find out..."au contraire" (I just use the French, not for fancy purposes but because the portuguese expression is similar and sounds good lol) is on the Internet world waiting for someone to find it. Hey I write some silly ordinary stuff on my blog for what?...2/3 persons to read?? Less than that? Who cares? Write what you want when you´ll feel better then ;)

  8. Hi Analeigh,

    I did a drawing of you on my blog.

  9. wow!
    thank you so much Amanda and Andre i feel really special and i gained back my confidence of owning my blog. thanks you guys i hope you read it soon Andre and amanda please read all of it. hey analeigh check it out my whole perspective changed just for commenting on your blog, peace was made...magical words create a magical place

  10. Yea. Don't stop posting blog post. Keep posting when you're free. At least we get a little 'update' about you everytime you post an article. Take care and hope to see you in the same carousel one day. :)

  11. So i've been reading this over & over again but i keep getting different pictures of what Analeigh's trying to say. It's so tangled yet so beautiful. Anyone mind to untangle my tangled mind? pretty please :(

    p/s this will put j.k rowling to shame when it hits the shelves,

  12. The mental clip of you standing alone, leaning against the hand rail, staring at the carousel, is vivid enough to replay over and over each time I read this.

  13. Hey Analeigh,

    I had to google ANTM after seeing all the comments made on this post. Blissfully ignorant of most of your other work I just finished watching "Crazy, Stupid, Love" after having a fight with my girlfriend via text message. I thought, how perfectly suitable; girl cheats on boy... Boy goes through a self discovery and given it's Hollywood ties, boy does well for himself shortly before the credits.

    The movie did cheer me up and here I am commenting on what looks like a old, hardly used blog of yours.

    Your flow of consciousness style of writing is very colorful and I enjoyed reading it... That being said, I feel as though it lacked real substance. I generally empathize with the macabre. I like to consider myself to be somewhat of an excellent speaker and have no issue putting my thoughts into word. Others around me through encouragement have created this sense of confidence.

    I know your posts here are a bit older but if I could pass on any words of wisdom to revitalize this dormant blog of yours... They would be to never take a day for granted. Live life, you only get one shot.